Therefore, I am not qualified to give you an opinion about whether you are authentically gay. I do have to put forth my disclaimer in that as a Psychologist with areas of expertise in Clinical Psychology, Spiritual Psychology, Behavioral Psychology, and Forensic Psychology, I do not have expertise in the area of homosexuality. I admire you for your sincere effort in making the most appropriate decision. It takes great courage to be authentic and face your issues straight as you are. I really want to get married, have kids, and live a normal life. I fast twice a week alhumdulilah, but it doesn’t help. I thought this Ramadan, I would totally eradicate this desire, but since Ramadan barely a week has passed and I am already watching it again. Sometimes I am fine and don’t desire to watch porn (for like 6 months), but then again I succumb to this evil. Should I get married, right? I ask Allah a lot for help. Am I misleading her into thinking that I am some pious man she's marrying while I have this big and dirty secret? What if my desires for men continue even after marriage? Should I tell her about it before we get married? She's deeply in love with me and I don’t want to ruin it. Recently, our families met and they started discussing the wedding, but I am really worried. Regarding the girl, she has no idea about this secret life of mine. I just don’t have the confidence to go to work, but I am working on it inshaAllah. I am unemployed even though I have a good degree. I sometimes try to watch “normal” porn at least but always end up on the gay websites. But when I am alone, I am struck with temptations. Most of my friends are practicing Muslim brothers and when I am with them, my faith is strong. On one hand, people see me as a practicing Muslim who doesn’t watch movies due to objectionable scenes in them, but Allah knows how bad my private sins are. But even after all, I still watch gay porn and it rips me apart. I stopped talking to the girl and decided that we will bring this issue to our parents and try to get married inshaAllah.
Allah sent some awesome brothers in my life and they helped me become a stricter Muslim I stopped listening to music, grew a beard and become punctual in my prayers. Later, I fell in love with a girl, but as both of us are Muslims, we knew our limits and wouldn't even shake hands, alhumdulilah. At collage, alhumdulilah I came out of my shell and was more outgoing, but the secret porn watching continued.
Anyway, I never acted upon it and kept repenting every time I would visit those filthy websites. I just thought I had some problems.) But when they said it, I felt it must be true. (I never considered myself a gay previously. This had a huge impact on my personality I’ve become introverted, and until today I have a great desire to please people in order to feel loved. At high school, I was bullied for not being manly enough. He would arouse me at night and encourage me to do the same to him. Around the age of 14-15, I was sexually abused my uncle. When I was around 12 years old, I started watching gay porn, because I believed looking at naked women was a sin (I was naive I know).
My mother is deeply religious and alhumdulilah we were brought up being religious, too. I've always felt attraction towards boys, and studying in a boys’ school and living in strictly segregated Saudi Arabia didn't really help. Being the second son, I was always very much attached to my mother and didn't have much openness with my father which is the case even today. I am 26 years old and have been facing this problem ever since I know myself.